Thursday, March 1, 2012

Sad Day

The following news is not something we've shared with many people.  But since this is really the only place that I "journal" I feel the need to write my thoughts here.

Last month I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  Last Friday I had my first prenatal appointment.  During the appointment they did a viability ultrasound because of my history of a previous miscarriage.  The ultrasound showed the sac still intact but everything surrounding it coming apart.  There was no heartbeat present.  I was suppose to be between 8-9 weeks.  The baby measured 6 weeks.  I have a follow up appointment next Tuesday.  Many tears have been shed for this beautiful baby.  I think having my Cece at home has helped me to deal (or not deal) with the grief of losing this baby.  At least it is different from last time. I get to come home to my sweet girl. Though I will never get to hold my first baby and this baby, they will always be loved and I hope someday I'll get to meet them.

I had my follow up doctor's appointment on March 6th. There was still no heart beat and the ultrasound looked similar to the last one.  I no longer felt pregnant and would sometimes forget I still was. After talking with my doctor and a few family and friends, I decided to have another D & C. That was on March 9th.  It was a tough decision. On one hand I wanted a natural miscarriage or one assisted by the tablets because it wasn't surgery, was more natural, and it wasn't a medical emergency. On the other hand, the waiting for a natural miscarriage made it hard to move on and grieve. I didn't want to wait 3+ months for my body to figure things out, if it did at all. And if I took the tablets I would have to do it on a weekend when Trevor would be home to care of me and the baby and I didn't want to spend the little time we have all together as a family with me curled up in our bed crying.  The thought of experiencing the physical and emotional pain would make be burst into tears. My little girl wouldn't understand why Mommy was so upset and in so much pain.
In the end, I decided on the D & C. Trevor was traveling home that day from a work trip. I thought I would be fine without him there since I've had one in the past and I work in a surgery center and knew what would happen. But it was much harder to be without him there than I thought. The nurses and doctors took such great care of me, as well as my family when I got home.
I've told Cece about this little baby, even though I'm not sure how much she understands. I still cry every now and then, but I feel like I am healing both physically and emotionally.
The doctor has recommended that we wait at least 6 months to try again in order to give my body time to heal from both pregnancies and to emotionally heal. 


  1. oh Grace, I am so sorry to hear this news. I can't imagine your pain. But I honestly believe that you will see your beautiful babies someday :)

  2. I am so sorry for you. I know all too well how devastating a miscarriage is...

    This situation is exactly what happened with my first miscarriage. It is just the worst feeling ever.

    I truly believe we will get to meet our babies someday. I still think about both of my miscarriages every single day, so I am sure they know they are loved. Your babies know how much they are loved too and they will always be in your hearts.

    I wish I could help in someway. I know nothing really helps but hopefully you can find some peace as time goes on.

    I will be praying for you and your family.

  3. Gracie,
    Thank you so much for sharing this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to go through that. It takes courage to share this with others, so thank you for sharing this sad news so your friends and family are aware. I also strongly believe you will meet your unborn babies someday in heaven. They already know your love. You are such a special person to so many and your attitude and perspective is an inspiration Grace.
    Sending your family lots of hugs and prayers.

  4. Boonie Girl!
    Why don't you just try to stop having more kids? j/k

  5. hi My name is molly i am a kid and i am trying to get more
    views on my blog here is the link to it