Sad Day

The following news is not something we've shared with many people.  But since this is really the only place that I "journal" I feel the need to write my thoughts here.

Last month I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  Last Friday I had my first prenatal appointment.  During the appointment they did a viability ultrasound because of my history of a previous miscarriage.  The ultrasound showed the sac still intact but everything surrounding it coming apart.  There was no heartbeat present.  I was suppose to be between 8-9 weeks.  The baby measured 6 weeks.  I have a follow up appointment next Tuesday.  Many tears have been shed for this beautiful baby.  I think having my Cece at home has helped me to deal (or not deal) with the grief of losing this baby.  At least it is different from last time. I get to come home to my sweet girl. Though I will never get to hold my first baby and this baby, they will always be loved and I hope someday I'll get to meet them.


UPDATE:
I had my follow up doctor's appointment on March 6th. There was still no heart beat and the ultrasound looked similar to the last one.  I no longer felt pregnant and would sometimes forget I still was. After talking with my doctor and a few family and friends, I decided to have another D & C. That was on March 9th.  It was a tough decision. On one hand I wanted a natural miscarriage or one assisted by the tablets because it wasn't surgery, was more natural, and it wasn't a medical emergency. On the other hand, the waiting for a natural miscarriage made it hard to move on and grieve. I didn't want to wait 3+ months for my body to figure things out, if it did at all. And if I took the tablets I would have to do it on a weekend when Trevor would be home to care of me and the baby and I didn't want to spend the little time we have all together as a family with me curled up in our bed crying.  The thought of experiencing the physical and emotional pain would make be burst into tears. My little girl wouldn't understand why Mommy was so upset and in so much pain.
In the end, I decided on the D & C. Trevor was traveling home that day from a work trip. I thought I would be fine without him there since I've had one in the past and I work in a surgery center and knew what would happen. But it was much harder to be without him there than I thought. The nurses and doctors took such great care of me, as well as my family when I got home.
I've told Cece about this little baby, even though I'm not sure how much she understands. I still cry every now and then, but I feel like I am healing both physically and emotionally.
The doctor has recommended that we wait at least 6 months to try again in order to give my body time to heal from both pregnancies and to emotionally heal.